Okay, so yesteray i started my fast.
( Fasting =) )

How are you all today?

I just figured out i should just  post something, even if nobody else reads it, i just need it for myself.

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I know i'm not anorexic, i know i dont have a mental condition.
And I'm definately not against a pro-anorexia way of thinking. What's wrong with wanting to lose weigh fast and look stunning?
I just have the idea that not eating is the fastest way to lose weight and I'm right.
I just like to read the food labels.
I just like to eat 200 calories a day or less.
I just like to look at pictures of thin girls.
I just like to buy and use all different kind of pills.
I just like to lose weight.
But I know I'm not anorexic, and I probably will never let myself have a BMI of 14, maybe 15, but never anything under that.
I just think thin girls are beautiful, and I wanna be like them. And when I'll be happy with the way i look, then I'll stop this "diet". I won't go back to eating 2000 calories a day, but I will put enough in my mouth so i don't lose any more weight. And i definetely don't want to be recovered.
I want people to look at me and say: "Wow, she's sot thin and beautiful, I wish I was like that!"
And I want my mom and dad to stop telling me I'm fat.
Because I am fat, and  I just recently gained 10 pounds too.
I'm short at 5'2, and i weigh a disguisting 120 pounds, and it's been like that for a month now, and I just hate it.
I want to be thin, I want to weight 80 pounds.
I want to be able to wear whatever i want without beeing imbarassed of myself.
I repeat again, I'm not anorexic, I definately don't look it, but I want to.

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So now I've decided it's been the last straw.
It has been the last fucking straw.
I need to lose weigh and I need to lose it now, and sticking to restraining isin't getting me absolutely anywhere.
And without even noticing it, I've gone 24 hours without touching food, it's kinda lika a subconcious thing, any of you get that?
Except coffee, of course, i can't get up if i don't have my cup of coffee in the morning, and i hope it just went right through me.
I'm gonna try to buy some epsom salt, you know, as a laxative, keep it hidden from my mom, even if it does look like nothing bad, just in case i binge, or i mess up, I can gobble it down.
And now, more thatn ever i want to lose weight
"Why don't you worry about losing those 10 pounds you have to lose, instead of going shopping?"
I'm so fucking fat.
Actually now, I know I'm not fat, or overweight.
I guess I'm what you call chubby. Not quite obese, just chubby.
And i want to be thin. I want my BMI to drop from 22 to 15.
And i will do it. As fast as i can.



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Just some questions for you guys:
Have any of you ever tried epsom salt?
Do any of you get through the day without even thinking about food?
What's the deal with vinegar and lemon juice?
How long have you been "dieting" and how much have you lost?
What was the longest time you've gone without eating? How much did you lose?
Coffee fast? is it effective, or are caffeine pills better?
Laxatives? ive only taken them 4 or 5 times before they got taken away from me...
alli? zantrex 3? green tea? hoodia? correctol?

I'd never thought I'd say this, and I always made fun of the people who said it, but
Guys are so darn stupid,
shy, insecure, complicated and they either act as if they didn't have any balls, or if they think with them.

Not completely ED related... but i really need advice!!!

OMG.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I always tell my mom not to go in my room.
And i trust she doesn't do it.
And this is where i'm wrong.

Once already, like 6 years ago in elementary school, she went in my room and read my diary. After she had told me:
"Why are you putting a lock on that? I wont read it!!"
yeah right. sure. whatever.
not that there was anything bad written in it, but a diary is something very personal, in my opinion, and nobody, nobody else should read it.
I later found out that she had read the whole thing, like it was some kind of novel, from my dad, that asked me something about it and told me that idiot of my mother said that it seemed as though i had a rough year. Just by reading that stupid diary!!!

So earlier today i was just making some drawings, and writing stuff on a blank sheet of paper about my ED.
And i was kinda mad, because i just had icecream out, so i wrote all over the paper, in huge, black letters, things like the classic
"im fat",  and also things that could get her to prove i have an ed, like  "no more food until August", "Food is the enemy, ana the friend"

I know, im stupid, i should have ripped up the paper and burned the pieces, but somehow i forgot, and left it in my room, not even worrying that my mom would come in.

 my mom came in my room and organized everything.
i come home, and books are all neatly placed, shirts are tightly folded, and my drawings [not only the ones i made today] are stacked up, face up in a pile.
And who knows if she went on my pc. I left it on, i have a password, but you only need to enter it after1 hour that you;re not on the pc, so i have no idea if she went on it.. if she did, when the screen turned on she must have seen my background... full of thinspo... if she looked at the internet history, who knows what she went found out.

OMG!!!!

So now, the questions are:
DId she see the paper?
Did she go on the computer?

She's not home at the moment, and i haven't heard from her either.
Im afraid of what will happen. I know she saw that stupid drawing. WHY DID I DO IT?????
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i have a really bad realationship with my mom, i dont let her in my room, i dont want to talk to her, i dont want to have anything to do with her. i hate her. and please dont tell me:
"she's your mom, dont be mean to her"
Ive heard enough of that. i cant stand her.
WHY DID SHE GO IN MY ROOM???
WHY DID SHE LOOK AT MY THINGS?
WHY?????????????????

Wow, its been a long time since i last posted, here are some updates:
HW: 116.6
CW: 111.4
LW: 107.58
GW: 85.8
Height: 5'1

im a FATTIE!!! :(
well, i was supposed to go on a looong fast, but after 3 days i gave  in... i didnt gain anything, just that i didnt lose any weight in these 2 weeks and it feels like such a waiste!
so i guess ill just try to do another fast.
(eating below 100 cals doesnt work for me!)
so yea. just thought id let you know ^^

And here's some thinspo for you all :)

so yeah.
thanks for adding me on aim!
heres my screen name if you havent already read it
jace xD
i really got so much thinspo, and i started the abc diet with someone!
if u dont have aim, or msn, or anything like that, i really think u should get it, it help u keep yourself motivated! ^^
 heres some thinspo for you all

i went to the doctor's for a checkup [i broke my foot]
and while he was checking my other foot, he noticed one toenail was kinda black.
toenails get black for what you eat. or drink. ouch.
so i guess he found out that:
a. i love vodka
b. i dont eat anything.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! my mom told him its because i drink a lot of coke zero, and it has many bad thigns in it. phew!


anyways....

tonight i have a dinner at a chinese place with some friends.
its like the first time i find myself forced to go to one of these dinners, instead of beeing able to wiggle out of them.
what can i do? i dont want to eat! i started a fast yesterday, and its going so good!!!!!
please, do u know anything i could eat? veggies?
ARRGGHH!!!

and i fought with my mom because she keeps buying me junk food [cookies, brownies, ice creams, cake, chips....]
and she got all mad and said she's not going to buy me any more food ^^
OMG!!! isnt this my dream????? ahahahahahah im happy.
i wont even get tempted to eat, because theres nothing TO eat!!!!! xD MUahuhauahuahUAhUAHUA

so i broke my foot running. dont ask me how i did it, i dont even know!
ahah i guess i ran too much last week..
so now, ive been sitting at home with absolutely nothing to do.
just sitting.
and i get so tempted!
so now:
HW: 116.6
CW: 113.6
LW: 107.58
GW: 85.8
Height: 5'1

OMG.
i gained like 4 pounds.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and i just cant keep away from food.
i really need thinspo. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
im giving up!!!!!!!!!!!

gawd, cappucino is awsome!!!!
today ive had nothing but 3 cups of it = total of 200 calories
and u know what? im feeling super hyper, even if i walked all the way home after 2 hours of tennis!
i just feeel so energetic, and im not even craving anything! I <3 Cappucino!!!!!!

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today went fine <3 i have a calorie deficit of 1500 =D
but...
yesterday i ate chocolate. a lot of it! shoot.
and i gained a lot of weight. i bet i did. im just too scared to weight myself!
i have to keep strong.
today i wore minishorts at tennis, and i felt so embarassed with my too sausage-legs sticking out like tree trunks.
gawd. im so fat.

CW: 51 kg
GW: 38 kg
Height: 5'1 {thats why my goal weight is low!]
i have fat on my legs, my belly, my arms, and on my face. the only thing without fat is my butt xD lol.

 just a really quick post cuz im going out.

i always fail!!! really. i didnt have dinner, didnt have breakfest, but at lunch i came home and i ate half a spinach cake, a piece of bread and some cheese.
i cant take it anymore! i just dont have enough will power to say "NO" when i need to!

i started an ana notebook yesterday, wit many thinspo pics too!
anyways, here are some of the things i wrote that really make me want to fast for a year.
i know they sound kinda over the top, but thats what i need to not give up.

"dont eat. DONT! You might just be saying: "oh, 200 calories wont hurt!"
YES THEY DO. stay away from the kitchen or youll regret it. YOU WILL REGRET IT. TRUST ME. DONT EAT.
if i wouldnt have eaten like i should have in these past 2 weeks i would already weigh 42 kilos. SO JUST DONT EAT.
HE will then maybe notice me. A SKELETON. all i have to do is not eat. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE FOOD OR HIM?
i thought so. so sont eat FATTIE!!!"

"Stay away from food! its the enemy. ana is the friend. she can make me beautiful. she will make me thin. think thin <3 for him <3"

"I dont need food. im not eating food. it makes me fat. if i eat it ill regret it"

"if not for you, do it for him <3"

"NO. trust me, youll regret it if you eat. just stay away from it. Think Thin"

"Stop and think. WHY DO YOU WANT TO EAT?!?!?! im no hunggry. im not dyeing for food. im just bored. eating is just a habit!"

"dont eaet. its not worth it. find somehing else to do. you eat because youre bored. DONT EAT"

"are you going to let a cookie get inbetween you and thin???"

"dont let go, dont fail ana. she is my friend. she can help me be thin"

"MY BODY. MY RULES. MY WAY"

"im the boss, not the food. dont let it give you orders."

"HE <3 is going to see me in a bathing siut all summer"

"why does she keep on cooking me food? [my mom] doesnt matter. i wont eat it. trus me. youll regret it if you do. its going to go to waste even if you do eat it. its gonna turn into poop."

 yesterday i went out. and i drank.
i had i dont even know how many glasses of vodka, and the worst part is i didnt eve puke it up!!
so thats like 2000 calories of alchool.
and i cant puke it up even if i wanted to cuz its too late and its all gone!!!!
i feel so fat....

anyways,  today  i started a little ana notebook.
i write all the reasons why i NEED to lose weight.
all the tips i know, my height, my GW, my CW, everything.
and i put a whole bunch of thinspo pics.
its actually pretty neat, and it keeps me busy.
im going to fast again, for as long as i can. until i really cant take it anymore and i feel like im going to pass out.
i need to get to 89 pounds. absolutely!!!!!!!
FUCK those girls that tell me i "look healthy". thats just another way of saying: "U R FAT"


JUST WONDERING:
how long has your longest fast been? how much did you lose?

 first day of week long fast, take 2

yesterday, at around 9 pm i went in the kicthen and hate like a FAT PIG!!!!
so today, im starting a new week long fast.
i want HIM to notice me
i want HIM to see how skinny i am.
I want HIM to tell me im beautiful

in the last week ive eaten so much!! im such a pig!!!
gawd i ate like over 1000 calories a day!!!
please tell me im fat! im losing my motivation!!!!
lets remind myself why i want to be thin:
- ill be some much more beautiful
- i wont be embarrassed to go to the beach
- ill fit into my old clothes
- maybe ill get the attention of a guy i like
- ill show my parents and friends that i can do it

i need more motivations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!